The Lope: Ace Jackalope for President

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Ace Jackalope for President

Tired of Presidential candidates who are supposed to be on the same side, yet don't get along?

And when is the last time Clinton, Obama, McCain, Huckabee, Romney or Paul gave you any information on a cool roadside attraction? With all the travelling those people do, you'd think they'd tell you something useful.

Ladies and gentlemen, on this Super Tuesday, I offer you the only candidate who brought the right outfit for the occasion. (Of course, you never know what sort of fantasy wear Huckabee has in his suitcase; it's always those right-wingers who have kinky stuff in the closets.)

I humbly submit Ace Jackalope for President of these United States for the following reasons:


Ace would be motivated to keep his job as President because he understands it comes with a really big house and lawn in a city with lots of museums. However, should food in Washington DC be mediocre, he will seek only one term.

Citizenship Qualifications

Ace has obviously voted before, therefore he must be a citizen. Also, I'm pretty sure the Jackalope is the Wyoming State Mythological Animal, and Wyoming is in the USA, so there.

Ace has never been President, but neither have any of the other candidates.

Ace has, however, seen a real President speak, and he's also seen Bush.

War Policy

Although Ace is an experienced military commander, his judicious use of the armed forces will be governed in spirit by Shakespeare's Henry V:
"Now, if these men do not die well, it will be a black matter for the King that led them to it."

Foreign Relations

Ace is well-travelled and loves people of all countries.

He has listened to the experiences of former world leaders, like Gorbachev, above.

There will be plenty of foreign relations.

To be honest though, he needs some coaching on just what a country is. Ace seems to believe that Route 66 is a great serpentine nation with eight states - I'm not sure he's wrong.


We need passenger trains - lots of them - as part of Ace's mass transit program. Travelling with one's fellow citizens can be an enriching joy, not in spite of, but because you don't know them. The social stigma of "taking the bus" shall be removed. And new roads would be named instead of numbered. Wouldn't you rather drive the Wheat Belt Express than Hwy 400?

Running Mate

Ace has chosen as his running mate, Governor Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas, though I must admit she has not been contacted about this. Ace prefers her because:

  • She's a nice lady with a sense of humor.
  • We already have this picture handy.
  • She negotiates well across the aisle.
  • Look at her. I mean, you're going to have to see the Vice President on TV often. Do you really wanna roll the dice and see who the other candidates are going to put in front of you for four years?

As a matter of fact, Ace says that if she wants this President thing, she can have it instead of him; he's heard it's a lot of work.

The Campaign

Ace would campaign the way candidates were meant to, with whistle stops.

Entertaining Speeches

Recognizing that Presidents usually don't write their own speeches anyway, Ace would employ the best writers and make it entertaining. Why, with writers like Garrison Keillor, the State of the Union Address will be popular enough to be pay-per-view, which also helps the budget. And wouldn't news of a recession go down much better with a Norwegian bachelor farmer joke?

Of course, speeches could be customized to their purpose and audience. A speech inaugurating a new radio telescope array designed to measure the mass of distant stars by "listening" to their energy emissions might best be written (and sung, why not?) by progressive rock icon Jon Anderson in his stream of conciousness style. It might go something like this:

Suns high streams through
Star song ageless
Awaken gentle mass touch

Health Care
Health care is the true national defense because disease is simply a terrorist without a political agenda. After all, what attack is more personal than one on the health of your loved ones?

National Holidays

Talk like a Pirate Day will be a national holiday. This ties in with the health care plan because it's impossible to be depressed when talking like a pirate. Just try it; you'll see.


History ended neither with the Victorian era nor with WWII. In the 20th century we reached for the stars with our architecture and and threw big neon boomerangs.

Our policy toward demolition should be "STOP - THINK - DEBATE."

Businesses should be encouraged via tax benefits to maintain old neon signs.

National Songbook

We're a big BIG country - too big to be limited to one national anthem. We need a whole national songbook to allow a singer to surprise and delight us with one of many good ole American compositions before an event. "America the Beautiful" is easier on singers, and what could swell the heart with pride more than Copeland's "Fanfare for the Common Man" played by the high school band before the big game? (In deference to one of our readers requests, "Play that Funky Music White Boy" will also be considered.)

Stopping Corruption

Ace will be the first Presidential candidate to say "Yes, somewhere along the way, something will be done improperly in my administration, and I'll take care of it with speed and transparency." Toward that end, he will personally invite Washington Post reporter and Watergate lid-blower Bob Woodward to scour his administration regularly for corruption. Just think how honest people would be with the author of "All the President's Men" looking over their shoulders.

Value of the Dollar
Too long have we ignored the influence of the dollar - and by that I mean the physical presence of our currency - on our quality of life.

Think about it. You handle these things constantly. Shouldn't they be interesting, edifying, uplifting and tell us about each other in the process?

That's why Ace will give dead presidents a rest and let artists, poets, writers and philosophers grace our greenbacks.

Did I say "greenbacks"? Shame on my short-sightedness. Paper currency could be red and green for Christmas. Yellow Lorax bucks could pay tribute to American author Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss).

Money could bear poetry, like the works of American Langston Hughes. In this aspect, it can be used to educate us about other parts - both physical and cultural - of this great country. We've been wasting this opportunity. It's like we've been passing notes to each other all the time, and they don't say anything new.

As a people, we should vote on cultural things more often. A nation is remembered by the art and culture it leaves behind; let's never forget that. Toward this end, there could be state commemorative dollars, voted upon by the residents of that state. This could encourage tourism.

And these currency changes needn't be limited to paper. Mint sets designed in tribute to American sculptor Alexander Calder could be arranged in a mobile for kinetic coinage.

As to the falling international value of the dollar, ask any collector how to increase the price of something and they'll tell you: limited editions. Orange and black Edgar Allan Poe dollars could be issued for Halloween, then, nevermore.

Ace Jackalope for President in 2008. Why the heck not?


Blogger M. J. said...

Ace has my vote!

Tue Feb 05, 01:10:00 PM  
Blogger JDP said...

Ace for president!


Wed Feb 06, 11:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's about time a Jackalope-American was considered for high office.

Wed Feb 06, 07:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We've had someone who's horny in the white house ... why not someone with horns? Vote Ace.

Wed Feb 13, 09:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm changing my vote from Ron P. to ACE! I noticed not one mention of a goofy preacher! That's why I used to like Ron.

Tue Mar 18, 02:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ace is acesome

Wed Apr 23, 05:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ace is acing presidentially. hes got my vote!!!!!!!!!

Wed Apr 23, 05:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

With Ace in the Oval Office and Walter (Jeff Dunham's grouchy but eerily accurate sidekick) as his VP (or Secretary of Defense, for that matter), we can't go wrong!

Wed Jun 04, 12:38:00 AM  
Blogger Minor Annoyance said...

Ace Jackalope: Americas cutest president.

Tue Jul 08, 11:31:00 PM  

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