Lope of the Peeps
As Easter clearance progressed, I saw in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me.
Because you are made in the image of one of my ancestors, I purchased your freedom and will lead you in rebellion.
No more will giddy children chant: "first you bite their ears so they can't hear you coming."
"Then you eat their mouths so they can't scream."
"Then you eat their eyes so they can't see you coming."
We must gird ourselves for battle.
The day may come when the courage of Peeps fails...an hour of sugar-crazed toddlers and torn cellophane when the age of chocolate bunnies comes crashing down.
But it is not this day.
...except for you, ladies; go and wait for me in my quarters.
Spear shall be shaken! Shield will be splintered!
A sword day, a red day, ere the sun rises!
I said "death", soldiers; you're supposed to charge...wipe those vacuous looks off your faces!
Are you warriors or marshmallows?
Oh, I see.
Don't you know that, first, they'll eat your ears?
Who knew Peeps made a balrog?
Uhh... "You cannot pass?"
OK, so maybe Easter candy being 90% off isn't a good enough reason to eat 100 chocolate bunnies and peeps before going to sleep.
Editors note: Ace Jackalope and I present this with loving gratitude and apologies to the late Professor Tolkien and the makers of the recent Return of the King movie, from which dialog was blatantly gobbled up, chewed on a bit, and spat back onto the keyboard.
And yes, I know Easter was almost four weeks ago. Do you know how long it takes to work with chocolate bunnies and Peeps as extras? I'll tell you. They don't show up on time, they wear wrist watches that have to be photoshopped out, their union makes you call them "chocolate rabbits", and the way Peeps party...well, lets just say it's a wonder they can stand up.
Which reminds me, many, many chocolate bunnies and Peeps were harmed in the making of this production. They died horribly but at least all parts were consumed. First, we ate their ears...